There are days when I still think about the past - those things that have long been called “have beens” and still get the feeling of dismay and regret. However, lately, thinking about the past also brings positive feelings to me. Suprisingly, I feel happy; not sure if contented, but completely accepting of what has been and what i have now. Having all these positive feelings makes me someone I’ve always wanted to be - someone actually looking forward to good things in life. I’ve never looked at the future with so much excitement and curiousity. It has always been much of a scare to me all because i’ve always been the type who likes to plan everything; and that includes things happening, and me ranting if things suddenly go out of place. And here I am - happy that I’ve changed that.
I’ve always thought that when things don’t happen according to how i thought it should be, i just had to pretend to be okay with it so that eventually i’ll forget about the disappointment. Well, it worked. Sometimes it did. But, only for a short while. My pseudo-contentment only lasts for a few months and then i feel sad again and somewhat discouraged. After thinking about things, i then ask myself if maybe i was doing something wrong, or maybe i was on the right track but i stop at pseudo-contentment. Maybe i should move past that. Maybe there’s a way to work around that.
So I started being honest with myself. Who would’ve thought it would be hard to be honest with oneself? I said to myself, no more pretentions - if you’re unhappy, be unhappy. if you’re disappointed, be disappointed. Feel it, every bit of it, until you learn how to work on it - how to get past it. You can’t always stay on the pseudo-contentment phase unless you want to be happy - at certain moments of your life only. If you want a long-term happiness, maybe you should feel what you don’t want to feel and accept it first so you can truly be happy.
It did work. Still working now. And i really do hope i’m on the right track. There’s really no good in pretending what you want for yourself, or what you want from people. Or maybe pretending is too harsh to describe it - maybe ‘There’s really no good in not being honest with what you want…’
“I don’t know any perfect people - only really really flawed people who are still worth loving.” -John Green at the Cincinnati Public Library (October 15th, 2012)
(Source: buckbarrow, via txla)
"You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge."